Cambridge Noir

Excerpts from the film noir crime-comedy-thriller I will never direct ...

Sep 19
Cambridge on a sunny day is a town to die for. Unfortunately, it’s also a town where sunny days are rare and death works all weathers …

Cambridge on a sunny day is a town to die for. Unfortunately, it’s also a town where sunny days are rare and death works all weathers …


Sep 18
Six Fingered Sam sucked in his breath. “A triple crowned gate,” he growled. “These normally take a student card or dynamite to open. Pity I’m fresh out of student cards …”

Six Fingered Sam sucked in his breath. “A triple crowned gate,” he growled. “These normally take a student card or dynamite to open. Pity I’m fresh out of student cards …”


Sep 16
When contemplating ram-raiding a heavily fortified library, it pays to pick the right tool for the job.

When contemplating ram-raiding a heavily fortified library, it pays to pick the right tool for the job.


Sep 15
"Oh no," said the Domestic Bursar. "We haven’t had the money to run it flowing with wine in years." He sniffed. "Still, since we’ve never been able to stop it running with human blood, the point seems moot."

"Oh no," said the Domestic Bursar. "We haven’t had the money to run it flowing with wine in years." He sniffed. "Still, since we’ve never been able to stop it running with human blood, the point seems moot."


Aug 29
I had, after spending longer trailing choirmasters than I care to confess, found the college choir’s hostile environment training centre …

I had, after spending longer trailing choirmasters than I care to confess, found the college choir’s hostile environment training centre …


Aug 28
When the Cambridge punting season draws to a close, the tour companies update the confirmed kills marked on each hull …

When the Cambridge punting season draws to a close, the tour companies update the confirmed kills marked on each hull …


Aug 27
Most Colleges had a place to chain their Master between fellowship meetings, though some were more isolated than others …

Most Colleges had a place to chain their Master between fellowship meetings, though some were more isolated than others …


Aug 26
In Cambridge, even murder has its own well-defined protocols.

In Cambridge, even murder has its own well-defined protocols.


Aug 21
I had the mark in my sites, strolling blithely towards disaster. But then, aren’t we all?

I had the mark in my sites, strolling blithely towards disaster. But then, aren’t we all?


Aug 20
The cool, misty fingers of autumn stretched over Cambridge with all the gentle tenderness of an iron paling fence.

The cool, misty fingers of autumn stretched over Cambridge with all the gentle tenderness of an iron paling fence.


Aug 19
Whatever you do, don’t feed the swans.

Whatever you do, don’t feed the swans.


Aug 18
I had found the room every undergraduate dreads, the very special examination facility.

I had found the room every undergraduate dreads, the very special examination facility.


Aug 15
With luck, I could slip out before the college security officer finished laying the tripwire …

With luck, I could slip out before the college security officer finished laying the tripwire …


Aug 14
And so with all the weariness of the solitary invigilator, I unpacked my binoculars, unscrewed my thermos and began my long scrutiny of the rooftops of Cambridge…

And so with all the weariness of the solitary invigilator, I unpacked my binoculars, unscrewed my thermos and began my long scrutiny of the rooftops of Cambridge…


Aug 13
Very seldom do stairways in Cambridge lead to heaven, or even a reasonable facsimile thereof …

Very seldom do stairways in Cambridge lead to heaven, or even a reasonable facsimile thereof …


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